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BB

Friday, July 19th 2025 10am

BB stands. The earth part of her fighting to stay. The spirit part of her beginning to lift out of her body.

I only cut pieces of your mane and tale out that would leave enough for me, but would also leave enough for you so that you can dance around in the stars swooshing around your full tail, while that fluffy mane I came to know so well, bounces in joy. Each strand is so precious to me now. The most rare earthly element. I imagine a horse friend you’ll meet somewhere else in time and space will ask why that little chunk is missing, cut straight like that, right in the middle of your flowing mane. And you’ll say, oh my earth human took it. When she smells it, a portal opens up so I can come visit her if I want to.

Four years ago, I entered her pen just as I had entered every horse’s pen before her. Leading with a heart of gold, yet still unknowingly assuming, entitled, and mindless. Her eyes pierced through the armor I had built along my journey. The first time I needed to move her, I walked right up to her, with a certainty in my step. Click click click as I leaned on her to back up. Bite pivot kick. She put me in my place in that moment, and forever on after, to this day, until I learned what she came to teach me. Boundaries. She forced me to stop and listen before I approached her, to become micro aware of the slightest cues and most subtle messages, even beyond physical body language. The second I slipped back into old habits, was the moment she snapped me right back into reality, and into my new self. She taught me again and again, until it was finally ingrained. She has likes and dislikes, reasons for those likes and dislikes, and a right to express those likes and dislikes. A lesson I had never learned before. I was forced to see her through this. She had needed to become extra vocal about this because of the abominable dishonor she had endured by being a school riding horse at some point in her life. People throwing things on her, cinching her, putting things in her mouth, and forcing her to move when she wanted to rest. She had enough, and she made that clear to me from day one. Her lessons translated over to the other horses, and eventually into all of my own animals, and then into every animal I interact with now. Every animal has boundaries and preferences. Something we think we know, but most commonly only in a very broad stroke. BB wanted me to go deeper and to the subtlest realms. She never once compromised herself. And within that, she inspired me.

You see, not only did I not see the subtleties of preferences and the constant flow of communication from other beings before her fully, I also was not living in my own right to have them for myself. I noticed I often am approached with broad strokes, entitled, assuming, mindlessness. Since she can not speak words to me, she spoke body cues to me. As jarring as they may be, she taught me her language. And when I listened, and she knew I had clicked in to her translation, she melted like a million year old glacier into a stream of the freshest waters feeding the softest sun filled meadows.

I don’t want to think of her story as only a sad one. Since I really do not know, I’m now choosing to fill my mind with delightful images. Images of her prancing around as little BB, new to this world. Curios with a tender soul fresh in her eyes. Smelling around. Eyes still as big, and deep, and wide as a whales. Running in a large field in her teens, free from any expectation. A warm presence at her horse riding stable giving her treats, and rubs, and massages. A heart felt farewell and a prayer that destiny would take care of her when left at the shelter. A little girl still out there wondering where her BB ever ended up, just as I still wonder about my Leo boy. Just because she ended up in a shelter, does not mean she was not ever loved before me. She was let down, but she may have been loved at the highest possible capacity that person, or sequence of people could open themselves to. And then she was given a safe space to rest, a full belly every single day, a human who loves her dearly and eternally, and a chance to stand and breath with no need for anything else. A chapter of stillness, letting all else before come to a close and melt away. Breath by breath she stood there healing. No sounds of cars, no sounds of tack, no saddles in sight. Just a woman poking her head out day in and out with a handful of carrots and infinite Love. I allow that to be enough.

I’ve never lost an animal knowing exactly when they were going to pass. And not ever as the sole decision maker in the process. I feel like a child still. How am I qualified to be the one to see this through?

Oh but I am. I feel her soul telling me. For I am the one who let her teach me. Day in and day out. Each scratch, each moment, each run, each laugh, each splash of fresh water, each kick, each emergency, each breath, each sleepless night, that was me, I was there, and I am indeed as qualified as one can be. I see how much more there is to know, but I am stunned to realize, I am leading the way.

She grew me into that woman. Yes a child still inside, but a woman leading the way now, with a lantern in hand, guided by my horses. Horses from the past, horses in my present, and horses yet to come. I stepped on this path, and I stayed on. Through all of the trials and tribulations. I stayed on. She is not leaving me, but rather gaining a new perspective to be able to guide me. She is still part of a mission, assigned to me, to help me carry out my earthly purpose. She is needed in the heavenly realm.

I look up at her during our last sunset together, and I begin to see her more clearly than ever before. All of the curves, the perfect dots and spots, the sharp lines and the soft lines. The shades that turn into shades that swirl into each other and then turn into more shades. The way the structure of her nose so uniquely lifts midway through in fierce declaration. I see her as so young, and so old at the same time. Looking at a single portion of her face is like looking at a vast landscape with peaks and valleys, sun shining and shimmering on mountains, and shade pulling you into her crevices. Has that perfect island of white always been on the front of your back left thigh? Has the hair on your chin always been so delicate and the skin within your nostril so smooth? I wish I had one more year, I’d dedicate my breath to painting you. The millions of colors that make up your fluffy mane. The array of expressions you weave through as you breathe with the earth. Oh my BB, my capacity to see has just expanded. Seeing in detail is indeed a skill. Again my teacher.

As I tap in, what I wish to say to say to you:

BB. My sweet whale eyed girl. I respected your boundaries. I breathed into your forehead and lost my fingers in your mane more times than I can count. I swirled around in each of your cowlicks, and traced the untamed markings of your coat from dusk to dawn and dusk again. Your wisdom shakes me at my core, leaving me naked and quivering. A worthy viewer somehow I became. A worthy warrior for you. I feel the pain you carried. I feel the dreams you had but never got to live. I feel the miles you did not get to run, and I feel the grass you did not get to eat. I carry you with me, and vow to seek justice on your behalf as my personal duty to you. One owed to the whole of horses by the whole of humanity. We are indebted to you. I vow to lend you my voice. I vow to speak your beauty into the hearts of others, so they too may melt into formless humble observers, and rise from their own ashes burnt in flames by their own sight, into the great caretakers and guardians we were meant to be. You came here at a medieval time. Knowing you were bound to serve this greater mission. You carried out your duty. And now knowing fully that you have transferred this vision and assignment to me, you are alas relieved. And for every horse that eats grass and runs free, and never lays eyes on a saddle, your soul shines brighter than the heavens brought to me with each sunrise, and each speck of light reflected back to me by moon. I speak to you through the water, through the frogs, through the dust, and through the birds. Through the mountains, and the oceans, and the ripple in the trees. I have fully seen you, at the height of my current capacity, and although my capacity has now grown through this very experience, to late to live it with you, I walk my path more me than ever before, on my way back to you. I now hold a space for your passing and transition. As the shaman within me knows how. I open up the portal to access my Divine connection to all realms. I call in God, Angels, Guides, Ancestors of mine and yours to greet you as you cross over. I see lines of ancestors celebrating in communion from us both, rejoicing in sacred contract, open hands with the company of all past animals who have been under my care, and all past earthly relationships you’ve had and loved. Your mother, your father, and every being in between. They welcome you and you kick in freedom and joy, rolling around in sweetness beyond any nectar on earth. I touch you with healing hands freeing you from pain. I sage the past chains put upon you. They are gone. You hold my tears in your veins and take my child with you to run again with my friends. Please tell Crackers, Moon, Leo, Beau, Sweetpea, Oreo, Kawaii, and all of my animal friends how much I love them. Although they already know, I feel peace knowing you will see them directly and be spending time with them as your family. I allow your passing to be a right of passage for me, I allow it to lift me. I do not allow it to break me. For you did not break in all you endured. You made it. In this broken world, where horses face horrific happenings, you made it through it all. Never giving up. Strong, fierce, brave, opinionated. Just asking to be seen, respected, and safe. May your back release all the weight it carried in this lifetime against your will. Your beauty lives in me through eternity, rippling into the vastness of creation itself. Sending signals out to all life forms declaring there was a beautiful union here. A beautiful being by the name of BB who walked the earth in all of her grace and glory. The universe expands to hold your soul in a timeless and infinite sea of bliss and wonder. You return home back to the magnificent mystery you grew from. It has been my greatest honor to walk along side you in this time. I’ve never felt the magnitude of the warmth under your coat as I have over the last few days. Only now seeing how precious each touch is. Something about two physical beings exchanging physical senses makes me weep. My eyes will never glance upon the tiniest details of your coats shimmering in the sun in this earthly realm again. I will never see your pulse moving through the veins of your neck. Your eyes light up. And your sweet face with forward facing ears calling me to you. I am scared of what I will realize once you are gone, when I can no longer turn to you to catch my tears. How to process such a thing, may be beyond my capacity at the moment. I know the day will come, perhaps sometime when I’m laying in a meadow, still and peaceful, with battles long behind me, when I will finally know the peace you will feel when I watch your body release it all. My greatest wish to you is existence without pain or constraints. Both wishes are coming true.

As I rub your belly and touch your face that’s tucked around to reciprocate, I pray that you leave this earth with my loving hands as the human hands you remember most. For that energy is us as a whole at our best, and you deserved nothing less. We are becoming better. May the love I poured into you be enough you carry you through all of your infinite lives to come. I choose to remember you in bliss. I choose to let your life continue to teach me.

I love you BB. Bean Bear. Beanie Baby. Bean Queen. BB Baby. Bean. I give thanks for the time we spent together, and release you into the Source that created you.

Until we meet again.
Love, your silly, full hearted, young spirited, good intentioned, overflowing, recklessly bleeding sun warrior
Madeleine

Thank you for changing me. Thank you for changing my life.